wanting to fast-forward

I'm in  a horribly sad mood.  I tried calling Dan.  Sometimes I do just to hear his voice, which is pathetic.  And I started crying and hung up because it was the bizarre automated recording talking about transcribing your message.  I had just watched this series called I know this much is true on HBO and I was desperate for human connection.  And of course the most absurd place to ever find it again is from Dan.  But when I'm feeling really desolate I find comfort there still.  And it makes me feel really ashamed and small and the only thing I tell is this blog.  

The series was stunning.  I am still kind of needing to sit in quiet and be alone after completing it.  I cried throughout it, and really connected with it emotionally at times.  It was painful to watch at points.  The end wasn't the hardest-hitting, the writing kind of cheapened a bit for me.  I might like to read the book it was based upon.  

I'm so ashamed of myself.  I think it's ridiculous that I reach out.  I don't know why I do.  I just feel like I've lost everything.  I have no home, no family.  I lost my marriage, I lost my chance at having children.  I look down sometimes and I'm like wow, you are a joke.  You are such a failure.  I'm so good at helping other people, God.  I don't know how to help myself.  It probably speaks volumes that I isolate the fuck out of myself and reach out repeatedly to someone who literally left me without one word of explanation one day and proceeded to block me out entirely from his life thereafter.

What is wrong with me, God?  Why did he have to break me heart and cut me out and then keep working at the same place?  I'm not strong enough for this.  It's been months of dreading every day of going in for fear I might have to see him.  I've lost weight.  My blood pressure and heart rate are up.  I'm trying to work out, to meditate, to help myself.  But when does it really get better?  When will I not care?  When will I want to date someone else, let alone sleep with someone else?  I cannot fathom it.  And I so badly want a family of my own.  I was holding a baby the other day at work and I looked down and he was so sweet and I literally almost started sobbing.  I know I'm not okay.  And I also feel like no one else sees me.  And it's like am I really doing that great a job of pretending or do people just kind of not care that I'm slowly just killing myself every day at work?  Because I'm so exhausted.  I am so, so very tired.