My heart.
I cannot describe how tired and small it feels.
I want to scream into air, one million sound waves of hurt and pain echoing away from me.  I want to run to a place where I can feel nothing, where cold can numb what's left of this husk of heart.
Most of all I want you to notice me.
I want you to want me, to hold me and to love me.  I want to be enough, to be your everything.
It sickens me that I am so weak, that here again I am wondering why you are always wanting more when I should be stronger and wonder what's wrong with me that I want to be with someone who is forever causing me pain.
I wish you loved me.  I wish I could picture a life without you, but I can't.  My best friend is a stranger, my lover sleeps alone.
And then brick by brick, there is another wall around this ever-shrinking heart of mine.

Heartbreak Warfare

Lightning strike
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?

Just say so

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
But I can't break through at all.

It's a heart, heartbreak

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak

It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare

Songwriters
JOHN MAYER

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

I have not written in a very long time.  Fifteen years ago I was convinced I would be a writer.  Now I've had a professional career for seven years, and given everything I have to it.  A lot has changed in fifteen years.  My family is fragmented, I have gained new family members.  I have had ups and downs like everyone else.

I had unpublished old, old blogs I had a long time ago, but now I am going to try my hand at writing again.  It always allowed me some kind of release, some kind of safe haven from reality.  Like anything, if you don't use it you lose it so I feel like a ninth grade student as I sit here typing but I want to start someplace and start again.  

It goes without saying perhaps that the depth of my heartbreak is prompting this need to write.  But I can't find the words to explore that right now.