night terrors

Now I am having a lot of trouble trying to identify what I am feeling toward the father and the sister.

The sister is very angry with both my mother and me. She thinks I am going off to New York (I may or may not--the original plan was for me to go, then the father promised he would work on the marriage before I found out from his computer history that he was engaging in homosexual acts with other men, and so I decided to stay...but what with all that has recently gone down, I'm not sure if this will be good for me) to run away and leave her with the mess.

Now I have a huge problem with this. The sister, like the father, is selfish. She was informed that certain things on the father's computer were indicative of a major betrayal, but she said she did not wish to know about such things. The sister is a coward, and the older sister has historically done all she (I) can to protect her from hurt and harm.

Now she's just pissing me off.

I guard this deep, ugly secret from her, I try to let her have her relationship with the father and not say anything negative. But she is currently making herself the martyr. I have a big problem with this latest act.

The sister is self-absorbed and always has been. She has poor relationships with extended relatives, and she spends more time with boyfriends (and she has never had a serious one) than she does with her immediate family. I have comforted her during just about every trial and tribulation. But I have had it.

How dare she be angry with me? How dare she support her father who is in need of emergency psychiatric care? Does she understand anything whatsoever about psychiatric/mental illnesses? No, she just knows what she wants (the father's money), and she does not want to fall out of favor, lest she be cut off.

Cowardly cowardly custard, the sister.

The father is still a terrorist.

Do you have nightmares each night? I do. Do you daydream that your father will kill you and your mother? I do. Do you sometimes think it would be easier if he fell over and died of a heart attack like his father before him? I do, as awful as that might sound to you.

I have compassion for people with mental illness. I want to be a psychiatrist. But the father is pretty sick, and this makes him pretty evil. And he won't get help, no matter how many times I ask.

I know it shall get worse before it gets better.

The police chief even knows about the situation. He said he had met my father and worried he had a chemical imbalance. I hope we never have to need him at our house.

The father is coming to the house on Saturday. He says he will do as he pleases. Today he writes a man who posted an ad on craigslist, wanting to suck dick and 69. So he will live under the same roof as me and my mother and he will go out and fuck random men and he will come back and possibly hit me again and I will not know what to do.

I am 24 and I feel so old and tired. I feel like I want normalcy, some calm, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to attain it.

I want to fly far, far away from here. I want to be all air and light, to float above this hell.

I want to be free.

God, please help me, please save us from this nightmare.