I can't even write about how much she means to me, there are no words.

I awakened today, I ate, I crapped. But it's all just going through the motions. I don't want to feel, so I numb out. I watched hours' worth of Breaking Bad today. I can't think, anytime I walk around the house I see her, I have been in that room cradling her at some point. I see her dog bowl, the little blue collar with blue rhinestones I bought her a month ago, the spray I got for her so she'd smell good, the way I'd make up our bed on the floor of my bathroom when she could no longer sleep on my bed with me, the blue water bowl...Today there was a point where I just wanted to throw back my head and howl. Can she hear me when I tell her I love her?

I am drowning and I don't want to fight, I want to sink to the bottom and get to hold my baby again. I only want her. I only want my best friend in the whole world. Nothing else matters.