It's my first day of vacation and I cannot go anywhere.  I am bound to Brooklyn and I want to get the fuck out of here.  More than anything I want you to come over here for my 35th birthday and drive me anyplace.  I am drinking your whiskey angrily, so pissed at your best friend and all the fucked up shit he said, pretending to care that I was depressed.  Who fucking does that?  And how did he watch our relationship fall apart when I had no clue?  I am so angry that I wasted my fucking time.  I want someone who knows what they want, and that someone is me.  I'm so sick of liars and fucked-up families.  Assholes and idiots.

Yesterday an 18 year-old girl who went down at a party was terminally extubated without her mother or father present.  An aunt and a great aunt held her hand instead because her mother and father were too fucking selfish, it was all about their suffering and grief.  Shame on people like that.  No past medical history or anything.  And yeah, I'm fucking angry.  Why should my fellow nurse be put through that?  Thank God that child was already free from her suffering and God was already with her, but I just lost it on the train last night.  And then I started to audibly sob because of course it had been silent tears on the train but it was Sammie's birthday and he was barking, excited to see me, so I had to be in mom mode when I got home and flip my switch.  But what the fuck.  

How dare you Corie.  I didn't even like your friend that much.  But he laid it on thick and kept lying to me.  So why don't you spend your energy getting pissed at your friend and getting real with him instead of saying really fucked up, hurtful shit to my friend that I will later read?  I am not the asshole here.  I have been duped and lied to a lot.  I'm broken.  Your friend knew that.  He keeps playing the victim and keeps saying woe the fuck is him.  He's never been married or had a very long relationship, I wonder why.  Why don't you open your dumb eyes?  Just keep thinking you are better than everyone else, keep making fun of everyone else.  I hope it makes you feel better about yourself and fills whatever holes you have. 

I know I don't need you anymore.  I thought I did because you made me feel good and I felt lonely.  But I love myself and you hurt me and it's over.  I miss our friendship and laughing with you and feeling like someone understood the way I felt the way I felt about work but now I feel like you just lied about everything.  Like the only thing you didn't lie about was OCD and biting your nails, cleaning bipap machines until 0400.  You probably lied about the sex and the intimacy and wanting kids and the whole thing.  And my heart's not broken anymore.  Now it's just fucking dead on the floor.  No amount of CPR or defibrillation or epi or whatever the fuck can revive it.  It's not coming back and I don't give a fuck.  It is what it is.  I'm almost 35 and I'll never have kids and I don't care.  I can't afford them anyway alone and I'l probably die young and it is what it is.  I don't actually care anymore.  I don't wish you ill or well.  I don't wish you anything anymore.  I feel the most giant amount of apathy right now at this moment in time but I feel no depression about it.  I literally feel nothing about my own life.  

Only sadness that you act like I am crazy, like I invented the whole thing when you were the impassioned one.  I'm sorry I was scared.  I'm sorry I had been through a divorce and I was nervous.  This is why.  This is why I have trust issues.  It's fucking valid.   You were promising the moon, and you gave me fucking nothing.  You took my heart out of my chest and stomped on it and then acted like I was crazy.  Fuck you, Daniel Sain.  My birthday will be better next year but what is a birthday at this age anyway.  I loved you like crazy, I really did.  Your whiskey tastes awful in my mouth.  I wish I was tasting it in yours.