I haven't been telling myself I love myself.

I had an eye exam today since I realized my driver's license is nearly expired and I need to renew it. Then I came home and started looking for my passport and broke my shells in the shadow box I made after I went to Sanibel with Chris. 

I want to start crying. Where the fuck is my passport? Why can't I get the hell out of Brooklyn in July and see my mom? I just want to escape. I want a little peace for Sammie's birthday and mine. 

And I'm stuck here. I need green and water and calm. And I'm so frazzled and stressed, my head is one big numb buzzing. 

I don't dream of him anymore. I had nightmares about patients crashing last night.  Today is a bad day where I want to be held by him and be told it's all going to be okay. To fuck the stress away until my head starts to clear sounds a lot better than laying here like one great void. I have so much love in this little body. And I just want someone to feel it and give it back to me. I can't write prettily because my head hurts too fucking much.