fuck you, daniel sain. you soulless piece of shit.

I am so very weary of it all.  Of drinking on the nights I am not back to work.  And then the nights I am due back to work thinking about the suffering and the death, the feeling of dread collecting about my shoulders like some terrible shroud.

I should feel joy. 

Joy that I avoided a meager soul.  A soul that knows none of this depth and complexity.  That has to look up words in the dictionary and even then cannot feel them and the weight of them.  I was thinking of Tim O'Brien and The Things They Carry.  And how he could read words but not connect with them, and even then he might take hours to get through a single chapter.  That judging nature of my being.  It's not nice, but it's honest.  The slow drudgery of it all, the way when we moved together it was still always apart.

Well, fuck you.  Go ahead and block me.  I rise against.  I meet your block and I raise it.  Never shall you know my bed again.  Never shall you know my wit or my sharp tongue, or laugh so honestly.  Never shall you feel so comforted that you did all the right things after a hard day's work.  Never shall you feel so appreciated in what you do.  And never will you get off so fucking much.  

So fuck you.  No other woman will want to fuck you the way I did.  You soured all of it.  You are the court jester, the great dunce in the corner of the classroom.  The rest of the class at work knows it.  No one is saying I made a huge mistake.  I hear that I know you are sad, I'm sorry, but he was awkward, I think it was for the best.  I always thought he was a dick, time to move on.  So many things of the same sentiment.  

No one thinks I'm a dick.  No one thinks I'm a tin man without a heart.  

I've got soul.  I've got five million hearts.  Rivers of blood.  I am a beating drum, and I will not be silenced.  So fuck you.  I will play louder.  I will rise up.  I will not drown in myself.  I will run.

Daniel Sain, you are the cruelest cunt.  You said you would never do to me what had been done a million times before.  But you are a truly ignorant fuck.  I have been left a thousand times.  And I have grown up.  I am Francie Nolan.  I am that pitiful fucking tree growing in Brooklyn, despite all odds, pushing up in the tenements of Brooklyn.  I will grow strong and tall and I will have love and all the things I have given to others for so many years.  And you will learn nothing, you will push your grimy dick into some other unfortunate soul and have another one year relationship and wonder why you, why you?  

You are the worst kind, the cruelest kind.  And I should have seen you coming a mile-off.  The repeat offender disguised as the poor-me, the take care of me broken wing boy.  The one that needs saving.  I will no longer be saving ANYONE.  I am taking care of ME.  I love ME.  I am weary of this banality.  I need a new storyline.  I need someone without creepy eyes and a one-note personality, who has questions for the universe.  I need someone who can apologize and have love in his soul for me, not someone who only has ego and love for himself and refuses to speak to me but merely blocks or unblocks me depending on his whim and the current status of his self-importance.

You don't even know how to eat pussy.  That's why I stopped you.  Watch some porn.  That's where I learned my tricks, what makes you above it.  

FUCK YOU, DANIEL SAIN.  You hurt me so much, for so many months.  You are the cruelest.  It's COVID-19, and I tell you I pray for you and your family, which I genuinely have, and you don't ask after me or mine?  I visited your family on numerous occasions, and you were never bothered to meet my mother?  You never loved me, you fuck.  And now I get it.  I see through you.  You are a genuinely sick, disturbed person.  Yeah, you, Daniel Sain.  You are a sick fuck, and you deserve the karma in this life you receive.  Thank you so much for just up and leaving me with ZERO FUCKING EXPLANATION EVER because that saved me from living with a disturbed person. Oh and for never contributing or paying rent, super awesome.  Winner, winner!



You are a fucking asshole.  You have fair-weather friends (all four of them).  You will get what you deserve.  I might be drunk but at least I'm telling the truth.