Now I'm listening to Damien Rice and crying. Water without sound. Like last night's storm. Lightning without the thunder. Lightning piercing my heart.
Maybe it can revive itself.
I feel alone. Intellectually I know it's my own doing but it's not any more palatable. I still feel like a kid who hasn't grown up even though my face looks old in the mirror.
I miss him. I don't think he ever understood. I think it was all bullshit. How can I miss what never was. I want to scream. I want someone to slap me. Hard. I want to forget.
In the day I try. In the night I can't protect myself. My nightmares are paralyzing. I don't even want to sleep but I need to. I just took six milligrams of melatonin for the simple reason that I cannot sleep. I've never been a girl like this. The more he turns me away the more I want his attention. It makes me physically ill.
My head is on fire. My heart is ashes.
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