God I hate myself.  I emailed and I wish I could take it back.

At the end of the day at work, I'm the softest person ever.  In my personal life, I am angry and I am hard and I am a brick wall and I don't trust anyone.  My aunt started crying a couple of years ago and said she was worried about how angry I was and that I needed help.  And when I started dating she said this is so good, don't fuck it up.  And I did.  I didn't let him in.  I didn't trust myself.  I didn't trust anything about my happiness or the whole thing.  I didn't plan schedules with him or trips, because it wouldn't last.  I didn't want to spend time with his family or friends because they wouldn't like me.  

What the actual fuck is wrong with me.  Why do I think I deserve nothing good out of life.  I'm drunk and sad and not angry at anyone but myself.  I'm so sad.  Because I don't see a future for myself or good things.  I have so much love but so little trust for the world.  And I'm hurting an awful lot.  And I keep choosing people that hurt me more.  And it makes me sad that I think I deserve them.