Today was a super fucked up day. My first deposition and I felt like a moron, so small.

Also I really like this guy. And I didn't want to. But I do and I'm just going to get hurt.  So I'm feeling even smaller and dumber. Yay.

 I'm listening to Noah Kahan and my heart is yearning. I want to feel connected with someone who understands. Ive been drinking and I'm in isolation mode, with that feeling that no one on earth understands what's in your heart. It's a ridiculous sentiment and intellectually I grasp this but on the other side it feels so fucking false.

I want to find someone that comforts me, that feels like coming home. Whatever the hell that means. I want to feel like someone in this world sees my heart and loves me for my truest self.  

I guess I'm in my mopey hopeless romantic mode. I hope at my core that this person exists and we find one another on this planet and not another.

Sometimes I'm way too dramatic. 

 I'm listening to Noah Kahan. 

I'll call your mom. 

I'm so lonely sometimes. 

 I've stayed high for four days after something traumatic happened.

I don't know much but I know I cannot continue living this way for much longer.

 I have music moods like most.

At current I feel a big mood, something vast buy also enveloping and nearly overwhelming. Hozier. 

Thank God for music. And dogs.

 Two words that resonate with grief for me: wail and howl.

 Today I'm listening to Sufjan Stevens and wishing for connection. 

It's dumb to wish if I don't do anything about it. It's just scary and I have been trying. I just need to try harder.