Okay, I know I've already established I'm a little eccentric.

I have this thing about keeping up with people who were in writing workshops with me in college, the ones who I thought could really make it. This era invites keeping tabs on people you aren't actually speaking to, what with the coming of facebook and myspace, and I take full advantage of it as creepy as it may seem.

A part of me does not want to give up on my creative writing (well, all of me), and it really inspires me to see what the most talented kids are doing, where they are.

Anyway, I visited this one kid's blog, and let me tell you, I was so envious. He was recapping his recent travels, in which he drove cross country with friends, exploring cities and cultures across the States. I was full of envy initially, and self-pity. How cool would it be to explore nature like that? To just abandon all of this mental anguish and selfishness and empty myself of me in the great outdoors?

But then I was like, you know what, I have a pretty great thing going on, too. I'm exploring in my own way. Fuck, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still a wee bit jealous, but I'm happy for him. He's still a good writer. Short and sweet, but captivating.

I always admired Raymond Carver and Hemingway. Of course I'm the polar opposite, but I'm learning to cut and crop. Just not here.

Today when I awakened I was pretty excited. Okay, it is nerdy, but each year, I get so excited when my birthday week has arrived. I log onto The Writer's Almanac that Sunday and I head to July 23rd. I love the suspense (I was never the kid to unwrap Christmas presents ahead of time--the surprise is everything, in my opinion), even if I do check to see if some small oversight allowed my week to be published ahead of time. Of course this never happens. Once I check the page, there's usually some disappointment. I liked "my" poem this year, though. I enjoyed it, though I wasn't knocked out by it or anything. I can't say I thought the selected fellow birthday sharers or events occurring on my birthday were all that entertaining, but each year it's something to look forward to.

I'm not so self-centered as to only frequent Garrison Keillor's site on my birthday, mind you.

Yesterday was nice. My old friend from undergrad, Joe Guenzer, came over to the house in Marin, which will go on the market soon. He and I met freshman year, we were both in band (I was on the dance team, he played the sousa); we both lived in Keyes, a frosh dormitory, on the same floor even. We were both bio and premed I think. Now of course I'm envious (good heavens, do I detect an alarmingly gross pattern?) because he's going to be a third-year med student. I would be if I hadn't gone and pissed the first few years on my college existence away. I was a trainwreck the first few years, but I think I had it coming and I'm all the stronger (certainly all the more certain of what I like and what I don't, of who I am) for it.

Anyway, I need to stop kicking myself for my past mistakes, and focus on the present. So Joe's a med student, and it was absolutely thrilling to be able to talk to him about his experiences. He's currently doing his medical rotation on a tele floor at St. Mary's in San Francisco; it's his first inpatient rotation. Oh my gosh, how I would love that (not tele specifically, but to be there 65-70 hours per week including working on-call in admitting on the weekends...oh wow!). He interacts with the patients alone, though they are under supervision by an actual MD, of course. But it's so amazing. Did you know they can thread a catheter through the femoral and run it to the liver in order to deliver chemotherapy to the specific site in order to target mets? I mean, what science can do for people nowadays...Joe said he had this patient, this older woman who was married, and her condition looked terminal, the prognosis, poor...and though she couldn't really communicate secondary to tumor removal on her face, her husband just adored her and was doing everything he could for her, including communicating with and for her. I just love patients like that.

And I love the ones who haven't a soul in the world, too. I don't discriminate...I might even look out for the ones without friends or family even more, since those that have some support don't need as much looking after as the ones who don't.

But it's those stories that give me hope, that tell me I am pursuing the right path, reminding me of why I want to be a doctor. And that's why it was so amazing to talk to Joe. We went on this great hike, up my hill and down it so we overlooked the Golden Gate and the Richmond Bridge, and then down it, along Tiburon Boulevard and the Bay, back up. We were sweating bullets when we arrived at the house; honestly, I felt like I had just jumped in a pool. But it was so beautiful outside, oh I had a great time. And I love learning doctor stuff--like what the lab values on the grid signify (he taught me the CBC ones, Chemistry, Clotting...).

It's just wicked cool stuff. It makes my brain excited.

I am also excited that I might be surrounded by people who are body nerds like me. In pre-med, I felt a bunch of the kids weren't doing it because they loved it...they were super competitive and focused, but passion was not the driving force. In med school, you're in--Joe says people are less competitive and more supportive. It's hard for me at times to be talking about what turns me on with people who are in to different things...like anatomy and physio was so amazing for me. And I just went to the Marine Mammal Center in the Marin Headlands and saw a vet and a vet tech doing post-mortems on some sea lion pups...they were split down the center, but their insides were gorgeous. And I feel like a bit of a side-show freak at times, because I'm not sick or a serial-killer wannabe or anything. I love animals and I've been known to tear up and say a silent prayer to God when I see a dead animal on the side of the road...but the body is truly incredible. It honestly blows my mind. I have all this sensitivity and compassion inside of me and couple that with a penchant for short stories and medicine and I guess you've got a future doctor/writer in the making.

I mean, hello William Carlos Williams.

Oh gosh I will be on top of the world when I get into med school. I will be excited beyond belief when I can actually start to help and heal people, and also support them when their bodies can no longer mend.

Yay yay yay I can't wait to be a med student!!!