mindfulness

I must confess, I very nearly neglected to post today. It would have been significant to me if I had, since I would have made two days of my goal.

I remembered to write earlier this afternoon, and I thought to myself during the day...I should write about this, I should write. I have made a ritual out of delaying and extending and procrastination. I used to repeat this phrase when I was anxious and thinking about what I needed to do that I hadn't even commenced working on: Procrastination Nation. If there were an island consisting of only procrastinators, everyone would wind up starving to death. I think part of it is my mind, my abstract as opposed to linear thinking. If I could make a google map of my thoughts, they'd be like tree branches, with the last thought stretching far from the core.

So anyway, I imagined writing about this moment I had today. I was driving in the car with my two dogs, going to pick my mom up from her colonoscopy, and I was singing along to the radio (I have a penchant for this, even though I'm far from decent--I absolutely adore singing), and the sky was this happy bright blue and the sun was radiating its warmth through my body and I just said aloud at a light, I love you, God. And I was so full of gratitude and peace in that moment. I know from my studies and explorations of alternative religions that peace and happiness aren't merely things that can come, that I must work to attain these states. And I thought, there is a lot of negative stuff going on around me at current. But I love this life, I have two wonderful dogs, an amazingly kind, generous boyfriend, and I have my health. If I choose to focus on that negative energy, it will draw me in like a rip tide, and before I know it, I'll be composed of the very stuff that makes me sad and hurt now, only I'll be the one inflicting these things on others.

And I really don't want to do that.

I think that's a choice we all have. We can take negative childhood experiences and have insight into the events and know that it's not your fault, it's just the way it is. And you can elect to let it seep down into the vessels inside you and let it tint your heart so its cold and the edges dull. Or you can weave an invisible shield, a cloak stronger than any verbal or physical abuse, than any neglect. And you can deflect that ugliness, so it deflects off of you and bounces back to the caster. It's not merely about being tough. There's a vulnerability in the whole process, especially when you love the people that try to hurt you and you pray to God they can get help. But you know you can't help them anymore, perhaps you never could, and for them to get help they have to want it.

My life experiences have shaped me, yes, but moreso my reaction and action. I am not merely a product of my environment. If I was, I'd be off the deep end by now. That's why I think I want to be a psychiatrist. Because I love people, I enjoy thinking about things, and I want to try to support and aid people in a really human way. And if I want to do these things, I must demonstrate I have the ability to utilize positive coping mechanisms. I mean, I couldn't preach one thing and practice another.

It is in this way that this year has indeed been golden, like I expected it to be (23, my golden birthday). I've learned a lot about myself; indeed, I've even surprised myself by my ability to ask for help when I needed it and also by helping myself.

I am so grateful to God and for this life and all the life that surrounds me. I want to be happy and I want to work to attain this state, because I believe I can do anything I put my mind to--and what's the point of putting myself to work in order to be miserable?

Love,
kt