Fuck everyone.

 the bird that I found outside today. my heart. 

My life is residue dissolving bone with feathers poking through. Worms wriggling beneath the pot containing my decaying heart. 

Fuck you god for having me find this. I'm too gentle for this existence.

 The Olympics are over. I am so grateful to all of the athletes dor inspiring me.

 It's almost my 39th birthday.

For this year my wish is to be a better version of myself to allow myself happiness, time outside, time with animals. To be a better daughter and friend. I know it will take work but I believe I can do it.

 I requested to be off for the first fourth of July in forever because I thought I'd have plans. 

That kind of majorly backfired and now it's a little comical. 

I wish I was swimming with you.

 I've had a fun, very busy past week.

Today I was outside in sun and in the pool and it was amazing. Definitely a happy place.

 I'm off today.  I never usually take Memorial off but I was stoked things were going well with this guy so I did; now I work Labor Day.  Serves me right I suppose;)  I'm going out with an old friend today, so at least there's that.

All of my friends had babies, so now we have four beautiful PICU babies and I am so excited for all of them.  There are two girls and two boys, and everyone is healthy and beautiful.  I'm so grateful.  

I started making this list for Tom, things I would tell him.  Each happy thing I want to blab, it's so funny.  Like the news about all of the babies.  I'd also tell him that there's a new Beach Boy documentary on disney plus that I really want to see.  I'm such a weirdo. 

In retrospect, I think I fell for someone who didn't fall for me.  The hardest part is getting older and wanting a family so badly.  But at least I have my job, and the ability to love on many patients who don't have enough love of his or her own.  I always think, maybe this is why I found my way to this job.  Maybe this is my calling.  But also I still have so much love to give.  I'll keep trying but it's definitely hard.  There's this lump in my throat and pressure behind my eyes and I just feel so fucking alone.

I went to Poetry Daily's site today and the daily poem was pretty perfect for today:

Barren Trinkets

Lisa Ampleman

Each imagined child is a talisman, Catholic scapularrubbing your neck, piece of felt you must keepin good repair. No, not that easy—they'rethe shrieks on the wind, a playgrounda half mile away and cradled in the valley's acoustics.

from the book MOM IN SPACE / LSU Press