I requested to be off for the first fourth of July in forever because I thought I'd have plans. 

That kind of majorly backfired and now it's a little comical. 

I wish I was swimming with you.

 I've had a fun, very busy past week.

Today I was outside in sun and in the pool and it was amazing. Definitely a happy place.

 I'm off today.  I never usually take Memorial off but I was stoked things were going well with this guy so I did; now I work Labor Day.  Serves me right I suppose;)  I'm going out with an old friend today, so at least there's that.

All of my friends had babies, so now we have four beautiful PICU babies and I am so excited for all of them.  There are two girls and two boys, and everyone is healthy and beautiful.  I'm so grateful.  

I started making this list for Tom, things I would tell him.  Each happy thing I want to blab, it's so funny.  Like the news about all of the babies.  I'd also tell him that there's a new Beach Boy documentary on disney plus that I really want to see.  I'm such a weirdo. 

In retrospect, I think I fell for someone who didn't fall for me.  The hardest part is getting older and wanting a family so badly.  But at least I have my job, and the ability to love on many patients who don't have enough love of his or her own.  I always think, maybe this is why I found my way to this job.  Maybe this is my calling.  But also I still have so much love to give.  I'll keep trying but it's definitely hard.  There's this lump in my throat and pressure behind my eyes and I just feel so fucking alone.

I went to Poetry Daily's site today and the daily poem was pretty perfect for today:

Barren Trinkets

Lisa Ampleman

Each imagined child is a talisman, Catholic scapularrubbing your neck, piece of felt you must keepin good repair. No, not that easy—they'rethe shrieks on the wind, a playgrounda half mile away and cradled in the valley's acoustics.

from the book MOM IN SPACE / LSU Press

 Not strong enough by boygenius

Can we have an end to the fuckboy era? I'm over it. 

 You liked SNL and the office and music. Fucking music videos! No one likes music videos aside from me, or do I thought. You are obsessed with animals. That was just everything. 

Ugh. You can't be perfect if you're in love with the past. 

today he said:

hey kat 

i'm being honest with you here.  im not ready to start a new chapter in life.  i thought i was.  i really did.  i thought i was healed & moved on from the marriage but im not.  & thats not fair to you.  im sorry for giving you the wrong impression, I never meant for anything bad to come from it.  i just am not healed yet.  i need time to find myself & my own happiness.  i hope you can understand.

i thought we could continue to talk on a more distant level but after this weekend, i dont think thats a good idea anymore.  the best thing is for us to go our own way.  maybe in the future something will come together but right now its not fair to you & not health for either of us to do this.

i wish you all the best you really are an amazing person

The more I reread it, the more I see someone separate from myself.  I missed having a person to do things with, to watch a show with, to hold, and yeah, to fuck.  But I never missed my ex-husband as an individual.  He had treated me badly for years, and in a lot of ways I felt free.  This guy seems like he is hung up on his ex.  But he showed me on the first date to his sister on facetime for fuck's sake and she said he had been so excited to meet me etc.  He kept talking about the future, like tiny things like me seeing while he played guitar, learning about hockey, going to swim.  Like I didn't magically invent thinking he liked me.  And why the heck would you pursue me on match if you weren't serious?  You saw what I was looking for.  To make matters worse, I feel like he's using me as the blame for why we can't talk any longer (since I left a voice recording and sent texts while drunk/high at my friend's wedding), which feels especially cruel.  Like yeah, I was sad, and yeah, I think that was reasonable.  I felt drawn to you.  I thought we had a lot in common.  I liked you and I thought you liked me.  So when I get home from a great vacation and you dump this shit on me it does feel shitty.  Maybe sit with what you did and spend time with it.  I would never do that to someone.  

And never finish with I wish you all the fucking best.  You're an amazing person.  That seems so goddamn insincere.  Like fuck you man.  You stomped on my heart.  I don't have sex with random fucking people.  And who comes in someone in two seconds the first time?  If you ever do talk to me again, I'll teach you how to properly fuck because you did not have a fucking clue.  You even said that the next time you were going to fuck the shit out of me and there was zero follow-through.  Unsurprising because we are talking about the male specimen.  They get off while we get ourselves off.  

Fuck you, Tom. You were so goddamn cool and I wanted to have a fun goddamn summer with you.  I'm so ready to give all of this happiness and love to someone but I didn't want it to be anyone.  You were special.