The gold

Lately I've been trying to do a fair amount of quiet. I started to read this old book based on the recommendation of my cardiologist about the stress response. I need to be more dedicated in my practice but so far I'm not terrible. 

Musically I'm really digging Manchester Orchestra and Agnes Obel.  I've had Manchester Orchestra's 'The Gold'--both the original version and the Phoebe Bridgers one--running pretty steadily. Both very different, both gorgeous. I think Andy Hull lyrically is really pretty special, and he can translate that lyricism musically even more beautifully than say a Ben Gibbard perhaps. Who knows. 

I'm in an Uber on the way to my work as a pediatric ICU nurse in Manhattan in the early morning hours. I love NYC and the Westside highway this early in the morning. I'll post the lyrics when things aren't so shaky. Keep well. 

 Can't sleep. 

Heart sad. 

Girl gone

 I'm watching Gone Girl again.

And for some reason I thought of Chris. Chris cheating. How much it hurt after I felt like I did so much for him. And I wanted a baby so much.

I still don't have one. It still breaks my heart.

It was a flood that wrecked this

 This one is gorgeous. So many beautiful phrasings. And the refrain--You caused this. Fuck yes. 

Youth

Daughter

Shadows settle on the place that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness
Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time
From the perfect start to the finish line

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong

We are the reckless, we are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we'll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there

And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones
'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone
We're setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home
It was a flood that wrecked this

And you caused it
And you caused it
And you caused it

Well, I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette
I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget
My eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest

And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone
Setting fire to our insides for fun
To distract our hearts from ever missing them
But I'm forever missing him

And you caused it
And you caused it
And you caused it

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Elena Veronica Tonra / Igor Alexandre Haefeli

Youth lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

I saw sparks

 Dude. Now I'm listening to the love letter playlist on Spotify. Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machines is one of my all-time favourite songs. It's so big and wondrous. Now it's Death Cab (!!!! Yay) and the beautiful, sensitive Passenger Seat. Their lyricism is really something. Oh man now Feist and Ben Gibbard!! Mind blown. Mmm. 

One day there will exist a man next to me. And he will be my passenger seat. My cosmic love. My train song. He will be sparks and fading into me and destiny and green eyes. Oh man what! Zero 7 is on this?! Yes! He will be equally enthused. His love for the playlist or for ee cummimgs or neruda or whatever other life-shattering love poetry shall not, however, rival his love for me.

He shall be mine and I shall be his. 

But first to my own happiness. And to the bliss of enjoying this playlist uninhibited or encumbered.

Want to swing from the chandelier

Now I'm listening to Damien Rice and crying. Water without sound. Like last night's storm. Lightning without the thunder. Lightning piercing my heart. 

Maybe it can revive itself. 

I feel alone. Intellectually I know it's my own doing but it's not any more palatable. I still feel like a kid who hasn't grown up even though my face looks old in the mirror. 

I miss him. I don't think he ever understood. I think it was all bullshit. How can I miss what never was. I want to scream. I want someone to slap me. Hard. I want to forget.

In the day I try. In the night I can't protect myself. My nightmares are paralyzing. I don't even want to sleep but I need to. I just took six milligrams of melatonin for the simple reason that I cannot sleep.  I've never been a girl like this. The more he turns me away the more I want his attention. It makes me physically ill. 

My head is on fire. My heart is ashes. 

Painting of you

I have been enjoying listening to Aurora's song Runaway a lot of late.  It's not new, but it's had a kind of resurgence and it strikes a balance between a sense of wonder (almost magic? I know that seems silly) and a feeling of melancholy for me. 

Runaway

I was listenin' to the ocean
I saw a face in the sand
But when I picked it up
Then it vanished away from my hands, down

I had a dream I was seven
Climbing my way in a tree
I saw a piece of heaven
Waiting impatient for me, down

And I was runnin' far away
Would I run off the world someday?
Nobody knows
Nobody knows, and
I was dancing in the rain
I felt alive and I can't complain

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

I was painting a picture
The picture was a painting of you and
For a moment I thought you were here
But then again, it wasn't true, down

And all this time I have been lyin'
Oh, lyin' in secret to myself
I've been putting sorrow on the
Farthest place on my shelf
La-di-da

And I was runnin' far away
Would I run off the world someday?
Nobody knows
Nobody knows, and
I was dancing in the rain
I felt alive and I can't complain

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I got no other place to go
Now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I got no other place to go
Now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

But I kept runnin'
For a soft place to fall
And I kept runnin'
For a soft place to fall
And I kept runnin'
For a soft place to fall
And I kept runnin'
For a soft place to fall

And I was runnin' far away
Would I run off the world someday?

But now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I got no other place to go
Now take me home
Take me home where I belong
I got no other place to go

Now take me home
Home where I belong
Oh, no, no
Now take me home
Home where I belong
Ho, ho, ho
Now take me home
Home where I belong
Oh, no, no
Now take me home
Home where I belong
I can't take it anymore

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Aksnes Aurora / Skylstad Magnus Aserud

Runaway lyrics © Ultra Music Publishing Europe Ag, Budde Songs Inc