I'm in a dark place. The nightmares are more or less all the time. I see my dad a lot, whether I elected to walk away long ago or not. I see Chris, though a lot less frequently. I see Dan.
IF I ever date again, I pray the person embody things I hold dear: truthfulness, compassion, wisdom, humor. Perhaps even mastery of the art of the comma;)
I'm angry. You all hurt me so much. And I'm realising I didn't deserve it. But I was your punching bag because you needed me to be. People like Dan even seek the world's broken people like me out to use and abuse, to build themselves up. I'm starting to realize this now.
But I'm tired of being tired and angry. I want more.
Especially after each continued day at work. Yesterday within the span of four hours there were three codes and three deaths. Three babies died before his or her parents. The unit was hushed. The other parents stood in doorframes silently praying two thoughts--confirned by my own patient's mother: one was for the child and the child family, the other that this day not come for his or her own child. After staying hours late to help, my patient's mom looked at me, called me over and pulled me over into her arms--she could see what my dad and Chris and Dan never could. That I needed to do this job to protect my babies. That I believed in it. That I truly thought of it as a calling from God. But that really and truly some days it haunted a piece of my soul and broke my spirit. I sobbed in her arms--the child that I knew was dying was screaming and terrified in her last minutes awake on earth, her mother's last memories were this and would probably always loop over this, and two families were next door to one another screaming in grief as their babies died much too young before them, as one witnessed the others grief.
God is so good. The world is so big and good. And I tell you I felt joy today watching my patient's twin hold his hand at the bedside. But I also could not express my grief when that same twin broke down sobbing as he left his brother's side. If I could shelter them and protect them from the world's cruelties I would. I want to hold them the way that mother held me.
Anyway I want to feel better but I have a lot of work to do to get there. I know I can do it though. I'm one tough fuck, I do know that by now.
