The movies always makes madness out to be so glamorous.  Heartbreak has a glint to it.

But it's all dull and ugly and utterly exhausting. 

I love you and it makes me sick.  I hate myself for it.  All through Covid I had no one because of this insane love, this punishing unhealthy lust.  I've been all alone for so long when I've had so many opportunities to be with people. Knowing that it's all entity my fault makes it so much worse. 

I truly hate myself. And I hate being this lonely.