wait, they don't love you like i love you

Maps

Pack up

I'm strayed
Enough

Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps
Wait, they don't love you like I love you

Made off
Don't stray
My kind's your kind
I'll stay the same
Pack up
Don't stray
Oh say say say
Oh say say say

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps
Wait, they don't love you like I love you

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps
Wait, they don't love you like I love you

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps
Wait, they don't love you like I love you

Wait, they don't love you like I love you
Maps
Wait, they don't love you like I love you

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Brian Chase / Nick Zinner / Karen Orzolek

Maps lyrics © Chrysalis Songs (digital Only), Chrysalis Music Ltd

I have this whole entire nerdy playlist simply titled "pretty".  This is one of the songs on said playlist.  I love it.  I don't know if you've ever seen Karen O live, but I'm old enough that I've seen her at a Vans Warped Tour at the Shoreline, this totally amazing outdoor amphitheater in Northern California.  That's the first place I ever encountered weed being passed at a concert, too--but that was Coldplay.  I turned it down, and I'm still glad for it.  It was totally amazing with the lights and everything sober and I still recall it as an 18 year-old.  Fucking great.  But yeah.  Karen O.  Massive girl crush.  I remember just feeling like this woman is just feeling her music and is just there, she is enveloped in it and she is here in the moment and no place else.  I thought she was totally amazing.  Still do;)

I have no idea what I feel in my personal life.  I wasn't drinking, now I am.  I write in my head constantly, trying to sort things out.  Trying to untangle things.  Trying to sort out the mess.  But I just don't know.  I don't know what I want or how to feel.  I know that I really want to have amazing sex with someone I care about ideally.  Because I am so very full of love.  And I need to give it to someone.  And I'd rather not give it to a rando.  

I dyed my hair with semi-permanent dye.  Rose gold.  Mostly it looks somewhat reddish purple.  But it is very subtle.  

I imagine people are more complex than they are in my had.  More intellectual and more mysterious and more everything.  Reality is a really big sobering opposition to the lady boner.  But maybe it isn't if he feels the same way.  I don't fucking know.  Because he hasn't communicated so who knows.  Maybe that's why I gave up on reading and all the places I used to go.  Because I just have to learn how to get used to this very bleak, very real, very boring actuality.  

Is it fucked that I get off on being tied up and choked?  What does that say about me?  Or that I wake up with bruises and he doesn't talk to me?  What the fuck does that say about a person?  

I like to help others and care for them.  But who do I let do the same for me?