I need to grow up and start believing in myself.

I realized after another rough weekend that I allow the negative words of others to deeply affect me.  Like why do I care about what some friend of Dan's thinks regarding me?  Was I actually naive enough to think he wanted to speak with me?  Actually, yes.  Do I still make excuses for people and say they are nice and would never purposefully try to harm me?  Yes, I do.  

I don't even want to type his name again.  But my ex-boyfriend is not worth my time or energy, be it positive or negative.  I no longer care what he thinks, and I no longer want to be angry about it.  I want to let it go.  I want to also let go of all my negativity I feel regarding work.  I have so much anger and frustration when it comes to how others work, and I'm so hard on myself--why can't I chart faster, why are the tasks just never-ending?  

At the end of the day, I need to give myself praise.  I need to set an alarm EVERY morning and not just wake up when I feel like it, too.  I work so hard and give everything to my patients and literally nothing to myself, I pretty much just rest and relax when I'm off, gearing up for more work.  I don't want this type of life for myself anymore.  I'm tired of it. I need to wake up early and go to be on time.  I need my rest.  I look awful.  I need to do my laundry and clean and function like a grown human.  My world around me has just been crumbling and I told myself I needed someone else to help me put myself back together again, and I don't.  I need people in my life, yes.  I need to learn also to ask for help from my friends.  Instead of just being on the sidelines like I just want to tap out and then being angry at them for not reaching out...how could they possibly know if I don't tell them?  I can do this is the bottom-line.  I love myself.  Every day I will start to say it.  And no, brain, it's not stupid.  Because I'm 34 and I don't feel loved and it starts with the way I treat myself.  So here it is:  I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF.  I am going to try to commit to myself in earnest.  No bullshit, no more excuses.