clean

I cleaned a lot today.

At various points during this, I stopped to smile.  I really do enjoy cleaning and it relaxes me a lot to be able to enjoy my tidied, clean space afterward.

I apologize for acting like it was a chore or unpleasant.  It is truly something I take satisfaction in doing, and it is also something I excel at doing.  It makes me feel good during the process, not just at the end.

I spend a lot of time in my head thinking negative thoughts about myself.  But today I looked around at my tiny apartment, and I marveled at my ability to put this space together.  It really is pretty and peaceful and it brings me a lot of joy to come home to this space.

I am also enjoying cuddle time with Sammie this weekend.  I know it is pretty irrational, but the thought of him being intubated and put underneath anesthetic makes me feel nauseous.  I was so worried about him on Friday.  But Dr. Katie and her staff took excellent care of him as always and after twenty-four hours he was back to his hilarious, sweet self. 

I am grateful for all that I have in my life.  I love Samson, I love my mom and my aunts and my other blood family, I love my job, I love my coworkers and other friends.  I love Brooklyn, I love New York.  I am so blessed with all that I have.

And I still love you.  For the years that I had with you, I am grateful.  I accept that I can do nothing to change the past, but I am hopeful for the future.  I love you always.