i feel like i'm on drugs, but no, it's only music

Listening to Ellie Goulding's Wish I'd Stayed on repeat.

Seriously. Over and over.

This song makes me feel like I'm underwater, I'm lost...but not bad lost. It's like tripping without drugs. My brain gets this reprieve of sorts, and I don't have to think about the father and the sister and my mother and her faded heart...sometimes it is too much to bear, the way things have come down around me. Nothing is certain, nothing is stable. I am more skeptical than ever. But here, in this pseudo dance/dream state, I am surrounded by familiar rhythms and voices. I am someplace else, I am not present in the broken world.

I want my mom to be okay. I want her happiness. I am so angry with the father for what he has done to her, for the way he broke her spirit and how he strangled her lightness, dragging her down to his depths. And the sister, how she lives only for herself. I do not feel we shared a womb, that we share blood and cells and strands upon strands of DNA. I don't want a part of the ugliness that the father and the sister represent to me. Their world is one of lies and hard words and loud sounds, slamming doors and a throat clearing itself on repeat. Those eyes, the blank coldness, frozen lakes. Did the waters ever run?

God, I am scared. I feel happy at times, like this weekend when I went out with Priya and Amarilys, whom I hadn't seen in years. It felt as if no time had passed, it felt like I could talk with people, and not people who had to listen to me by virtue of us occupying the same space (e.g. Chris--though he doesn't act like this, it's me). And then times I feel like that was some cruel trick, because things are back to the way they were and I'm sitting here alone and sad and angry. I'm not doing anything good for anyone right now, I feel worthless, a sheer nothingness. God, is it okay to be like this right now? Is it right, or am I letting you down? I want to be good. I so badly want to be good, to be happy, to show gratitude for all that I've been given.

The father was forever disappointed in me. I wonder when I will shrug off this attitude of his I've come to hold dear: when will I be good enough in some moment, some moment where I can accept how I am and not be thinking I'm a failure because there is no good enough, there is no good there is only trying. I don't even know how to say what I feel.

On Friday my pulse was 96/60, HR was 90. Does this show how I feel? Anxious and low, low and anxious. Dreaming through this life and listening to Ellie Goulding's voice..."cause you can fall if you want to, and it's just a matter of how far".