friday, one week in brooklyn

It is Friday and I'm in Brooklyn.

At this point, I'm less adept at stepping back, viewing myself from an outsider's perspective. I don't have the self-knowledge to know if this is okay, if my heart is opened or closed.

Sometimes I think there is nothing there at all, that this is not my reality since I'm 3000 miles away from family and starting over. I've always been a nomad, a traveler with no place to call home. Sometimes it's as if there is nothing there at all, but then each morning I wake after fitful stories of murder and terror in sleep, and I realize it must be there, buried underneath the calm.

Chris awakened me again this morning, I was yelling out in my sleep. He said I yelled, "boring and uninspired", "get the hell out of my room", and "get out" amongst other things.

I wish the father would flee from my dreams. I suppose he is but a prisoner there, chained and gagged by the jailer, by me.

I tell myself in the bright hours that I've released him, that he's gone. That he cannot hurt me 3,000 miles away from here.

And then I dream of the father brandishing knives, wielding fear as his weapon of choice.

Why do I subconsciously choose to bring harm to myself? I want to be freed of all of this. I want to cease dreaming of murder and chaos. I want to be happy during the daylight, truly joyful. Right now it's like an earthbound purgatory, a between state. I am invisible.

Yesterday the father emailed photos of new black Cocker Spaniel puppies after I requested we cease all communications (he lasted a few days before he started up again). I had a facial cleansing mask on and wet grief turned to mud on my face. I miss Cassie so much. There exists no one and nothing that shall ever replace the place she keeps in my heart. To see that new life--it scooped out the pulp of my heart. I know Cassie isn't gone, but to be comforted by her presence, her smell, those warm brown eyes, to hold her in my arms once more.

The days pass and I am getting better but I need to get it together faster. I need to go out and explore, I need to finish my med school applications so they aren't hanging over my head anymore. I do want to be a doctor, but right now I'm only stopping myself if I choose not to work on them. The funny thing is, it's mostly busy work, not even hard work. And I have an interview of sorts on Tuesday. I was estactic as I've been in a bit yesterday when I found out. I think working and getting my mind to focus on something else will only help heal wounds time can only mend.