writing down the bones alone/ with the aid of poets and songwriters. a place to be safe in a unsafe world. kat finley
I know I'm 35 and all.
I am grateful to have a job during these times. But I don't know when I've been so tired. I really just want my momma, her food, and to crawl under that big wonderful gold duvet and listen to the rain outside or swim in her pool in Austin. To watch my little Sammie bean fly up the stairs and run outside. I miss it so much. I want to work on puzzles in the big main room. And watch Sammie fall asleep on my mom, happy and full. I'm so depleted.
This is just a small thing. From my phone. Sammie wakes me and stands on my chest. I can hear his heart everywhere with my stethoscope and his murmur is awful. I don't want him to suffer. Not for what he's given me. I held him.and sang la vie en rose in English because it's pretty. Often I have to hold him for a half hour to an hour before he gets comfortable and goes back to sleep.
He may be a little dog. But his love is the biggest love I have ever known in my thirty-five years here. And a dog's love is the only truly unconditional one I have ever experienced. Without being dramatic, just entirely honest.
He brings me so much joy. My heart feels like a balloon even when I'm crying as I hold him, feeling the washing machine murmur thrum on my chest, heart against heart. Thank you, God, truly, for this little dog. I will always carry him with me.
Please God take me before Sammie. Or at least give me his suffering and pain. He doesn't deserve this God. He doesn't. He is so good and pure. He is true love embodied.
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I stood tall because I have to for him. He is my everything.
I am so afraid of what I am without him. Each day I have so many moments of joy and they are thanks to him. He is such a blessing, he is such light. I am so truly blessed and thankful. And I have given thanks. And I will continue to. But he does not deserve pain and agony. I can bear it for him. Please God if you are listening, please please please let me. I love him so purely. He deserves this. He is so good.