replace the bad with the good

I thought to write today.  I read poetry flush with words like perseverance and penultimate.  With lines the broke marvelously, a true sight to see.  

And then I thought of this post I saved recently on instagram, from tinybuddhaofficial.  It might not be the most magnificent prose, but for me, here, in this space--fuck, if ever I want to create in this life, create with words and be unafraid to be ugly and make mistakes and just commit something to the page, I want to remember it.  So here it is:

"I want you to imagine a ten-year-old version of yourself sitting opposite from you right this minute.  Got it?  Ok, now, I want you to tell this little girl or boy that they mean absolutely nothing.  Tell them they're an embarrassment, that they're worthless, that they're useless.  Are you doing it?  Can you say it?  No.  You can't do it, right?  Now, realize that this is essentially what you do to yourself every single day.  What do you want to REALLY say to this kid?  That they're worth it, right?  That they're incredible and they should never let anyone tell you otherwise.  Now say this new stuff to yourself.  Replace the bad with the good.  Repeat it.  Believe it.  Understand it."  

--tinybuddhaofficial 

My negative self talk is so harsh and the voice so loud I was even criticizing myself while re-typing that, like woah, that's a fuck-up, I must have that bit down incorrectly because that doesn't make sense.  I caught myself and almost started to laugh.  I suppose the first step is realizing what you are doing.  But it is amazing how much negativity can stand in the way of creativity.  I mean, if people had listened to negativity we would never have so many of the awesome things we do today.  It's pretty much the basis of most every amazing film (har har being melodramatic here, but somewhat true I guess).  

Point is, I am tired of being down.  I am going to start to try to build myself up.  Do small things to clean my apartment up every day (ie throw out shit I don't use/need).  Do little things for my health (eg no soda, less sugar--I can do it, but if I have a bad day, no point beating myself up about it--tomorrow is a new one, and I'm hard on myself as it is--I truly am my own worst enemy).  I want to love my body, I am over this body dysmorphia shit.  I look damn good for 34.  I looked at myself naked in the mirror today, and challenged myself to stay there.  It was uncomfortable, but I stuck with it.  And to look at myself and tell myself I loved myself.  It's hard.  But maybe if I practice, I'll get better at it;)  Sorry for the weird self-help post today.  I've been in an odd mental space, downloading different apps and trying to help myself get over the past and into the present.  I know I can do it.  I'm tough.  And one of these days, I'm going to write something fucking amazing.